Before You Divorce Him or Her.
by Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D, MPH.
The following article was published in the Stillwater News Press on February 27, 2002.
If you are married, have constant conflicts over money, time, kids, sex, in-laws; socks or under-wears dropped on the floor, or fight for countless other reasons, and think divorce is the magic cure for these conflicts, you might be wrong. Remember: what goes around tends to come around! Several studies and reports from the US Centers for Disease Control indicate that those who are divorced have more physical and mental illnesses, and die earlier than those who remain married. As for children of divorced parents, behavioral as well as learning problems, school failures, school drop-out, and an overall difficulty in social adjustment usually follows these children even into adult lives. Couples who stick together and work hard on making their marriages work, are healthier, wealthier, wiser, better adjusted, and live longer and contribute more to society. Children of married couples generally enjoy better health, are more likely to be emotionally and socially adjusted, and more likely to succeed in school.
Despite the good news that marriage and love can be “good medicine” for families, about 50% of marriages across the country tend to end in divorce. The physical, emotional, and financial burden associated with divorce hurts individual families and communities across the country. Three-quarter of divorce suits are initiated by women who tend to experience more financial hardship after the divorce. Oklahoma’s divorce rate is 50% higher than the national average, and nationally ranks second in high divorce rate. Oklahoma’s divorce records reveal that for every 100 marriage licenses issued in 2001, 76 divorce petitions were granted.
This educational article will identify some factors that contribute to marital distress and eventual divorce, the effect of divorce, and provide suggestions to prevent divorces. Factors that contribute to divorce can be divided into three categories: individual, couple, and contextual.
(a) Individual factors or traits include: general impulsiveness and a tendency to hurriedly marry because of the “love at first sight, or before someone else gets there”, low self esteem, depression, poor communication skills, neurotic behaviors, anger/hostility proneness, and dysfunctional beliefs about marriage, e.g. my spouse will be the same or better than my father, mother, former lover; or getting a divorce will be the solution to my marital problems. (b) Couple factors include: dissimilarity, short pre-marital acquaintance; premarital sex – especially having a lot of experiences with several partners, premarital pregnancy, cohabitation, poor communication skills and lack of conflict-resolution skills. (C) Context or factors surrounding the marriage include: young age at marriage, family-of-origin, parental divorce or chronic marital conflict, parental or friends’ disapproval, pressure to marry, little education, cultural acceptance of divorce, ease of obtaining a divorce and lack of premarital education.
Factors that contribute to marital satisfaction and longevity are also divided into individual; couple and contextual. (a) Individual traits include, high self esteem, flexibility and ability to welcome or adapt to change and newer situations, assertiveness and sociability. (b) Couple traits include: Similarity, long acquaintanceship prior to marriage, good communication and conflict resolution skills and styles. (c) Context factors include: being older before marriage, healthy family-of-origin experiences, happy parental marriage, parental and friends approval, significant education and career preparation.
Preventing divorces: Premarital education should be considered the most valuable “marriage gift” for those thinking about marriage or the newlyweds. Educations should emphasize the following: (1) communication and conflict-resolution skills; (2) Marriage Realities: all marriages have periods of conflict; it is learning to handle the conflicts that make the difference between successful and unsuccessful marriages. (2) Respect for each other is important; love declines and grows depending on how it is nourished. Share feelings and dreams, as well as successes and frustration, and view love and marriage-success as a journey rather than a destination. If your love is declining because of unresolved conflict, hang in there and explore better ways of resolving the conflict or adapting to it. If you must complain to your spouse, avoid attacks or criticism, describe what bothers you and suggest how you would like it done. Divorce is never a solution to unresolved conflicts. Remember: what goes around comes around; if you stick together, your family will likely be healthier, wiser and contribute more to your community and humanity. Avoid a divorce and stick to your man or woman, it pays in the long-run!
Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D., MPH, is State Specialist for Health/Family Development, Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service at OSU in Stillwater. For Questions, call (405) 744 6825. For online access to Extension/Community Health Column, please check “articles” on the web at: http://www.fcs.okstate.edu/health/.