There is no Substitute for Parents
by Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D, MPH.
The following article was published in the Stillwater News Press on February 27, 2002.
Neither schools, churches, camps, nor public or private agencies should be considered substitutes for parents, in providing the values and quality of character that children need for successful living, and effectively contribute to their communities. It is without doubts that the challenges of parenting can test the emotional stability of even the most experienced amongst parents, making it tempting to want to delegate this challenging task to social agencies and institutions. A child’s character development, whether good or bad, is greatly influenced by parental involvement in the life of the child. Television watching, computer games, electronic gadgets, including but not limited to the almighty Nintendo, game-boy, pack-man, and “home-alone” movies, are indeed entertaining, often desired by children, but should not be considered substitutes for the attention and instruction children need from parents.
The proliferation of social agencies and promotion of the sale of electronic gadgets which promise quick and easy learning, make some parents feel that parental responsibilities should be effortless, without conscious planning or thought, or if demanding, should be delegated to agencies, while parents devote quality time to career success and other aspirations. The reality is that, parents can’t have it both ways. Shoving children from one care-center to another or by sending them to all the youth camps that promise to teach responsibility and build character can be counter-productive and should be viewed with caution. As good-intentioned as these camps might be, they tend to lack the central figure (the parent) in their exercises, leaving the child still craving for valued membership in his/her family.
The good old days have come and gone when children saw themselves as valued members of the family; when girls learned to sew and cook from parents, and boys learned to plant, hunt and defend the home. These skills provided children with the a sense of belonging to the family and taught them how to set goals and learn about responsibility. Today’s “high-tech” or “self-contained” families are often socially fragmented and out-of-touch with real needs of members of the family. Divorces are common and single-parenthood is at an all-time high. Fathers work far away from home and see their children only at the end of a hard day’s work. Most of today’s mothers work outside the home and likely to buy pre-cooked meals from super-markets, than cook for the family. Mothers often compete with daughters for the latest styles in ready-made clothing, mascara and other make-ups, while sons remain obsessed with having their own automobile for steady rides to movies with a sweetheart, or compete with fathers for use of the family automobile. The friction that results from these interactions, leave parents praying for the blessed day that the children will grow-up, move away and start fending for themselves. This expected moving-away is rarely successful without previous investment of quality time in the lives of the children.
Parents should not regret for the passing of the old but once effective ways of child-rearing. They however need to recognize the burning and ever-pressing desire for children to be viewed as valued members of the family. To fulfill this desire, parents should encourage children to do age-appropriate things for the family. Pre-teen and teen-aged youths can be assigned to such family tasks like: taking telephone messages, helping to care for a younger brother or sister, make minor household repairs, clean the family car, clean dishes or prepare the table for dinner. To enhance children’s cooperation in performing assigned family duties, they should be involved in family discussions appropriate for their age. They should be encouraged to ask questions, as well as contribute topics for the discussions. Parental authority should always be acknowledged, and respect for each member of the family accorded. Parents must learn to set rules and boundaries on family issues, and these boundaries should not be intended to punish the children, or teach them a lesson. They should be aimed at making children know about their choices and limitations, because children often want to know their boundaries and are also good at testing them.
In conclusion, there are no rigid or best ways to teach good character and values to children. Each parent must find their own way, but make it evolve around love, limit setting and respect the dignity of the child. With the complication of modern living, parenting should not be expected to be without efforts or delegated to agencies or institutions. Parents need to be engaged and devote quality time to the task of parenting, as they do with other pursuits in life, because the fulfillment derived from successful parenting is unlike any other in life. It is often the child’s love for his parents that make him/her want to adopt their best traits, and no outside agency, institution or expert can supply that love.