The Disease of Divorce
by Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D, MPH.
If you are thinking about divorce because of conflicts with your spouse over money, kids, sex, in-laws, under-wears dropped on the floor, uncapped tooth paste tubes, high or low room temperature, or fight for countless other reasons, there is bad news to share about divorce. Several studies and reports from the US Centers for Disease Control indicate that those who are divorced have more physical and mental illnesses, and die earlier than those who remain married. As for children of divorced parents, behavioral as well as learning problems, school failures, school drop-out and an overall difficulty in social adjustment usually follows these children even into adult lives. As easy as getting a divorce may be, it is not a magic cure for persistent conflicts with a spouse. Should the idea a divorce ever come to a spouse’s mind, it is important to think about the qualities that attracted you to the individual before marriage, focus on those qualities while working on undesired qualities, than take the easy path of divorce.
About 50% of marriages across the country tend to end in divorce. The physical,
emotional and financial burden associated with divorce hurts individual
families and communities. Three-quarter of divorce suits are initiated by
women who tend to experience more financial hardship after the divorce.
Factors that contribute to the disease of divorce can be divided into the following: (a) Individual factors or traits that include: general impulsiveness and a tendency to hurriedly marry because of “love at first sight, or before someone else gets there”, low self esteem, depression, poor communication skills, neurotic behaviors, anger/hostility proneness, and dysfunctional beliefs about marriage, e.g. my spouse will be the same or better than my father, mother, former lover; or getting a divorce will be the solution to my marital problems. (b) Couple factors include: dissimilarity, short pre-marital acquaintance; premarital sex – especially having a lot of experiences with several partners, premarital pregnancy, cohabitation, extramarital sex, poor communication skills and lack of conflict-resolution skills. (C) Context or factors surrounding the marriage include: young age at marriage, family-of-origin, parental divorce or chronic marital conflict, parental or friends’ disapproval, pressure to marry, little education, cultural acceptance of divorce, ease of obtaining a divorce and lack of premarital education.
Preventing the disease of divorce: Premarital education should be considered the most valuable “marriage gift” for those thinking about marriage or the newlyweds; this education should emphasize the following: (1) communication and conflict-resolution skills; (2) marriage realities: all marriages have periods of conflict; it is learning to handle the conflicts that make the difference between successful and unsuccessful marriages; (2) Respect for each other is important; love declines and grows depending on how it is nourished. (3) Share feelings and dreams, with your spouse as well as successes and frustration; (4) View love and marriage-success as a journey rather than a destination; (5) If your love is declining because of unresolved conflict, hang in there and explore better ways of resolving the conflict or adapting to it; (6) If you must complain to your spouse, avoid attacks or criticism, describe what bothers you and suggest how you would like it done; (7) Talk to a trusted friend, family or marriage counselor about your conflict and get their perspective on it; (8) Learn to say “I’m sorry” to your spouse when at fault, and mean what you’ve said by, not purposefully repeating the same faults.
Divorce is never a solution to unresolved conflicts. When the marriage going gets tough, get tough in working at it. The emotional pain of divorce never goes away, involved children are hurt for a significant part of their lives, and the divorced who remarry tend to divorce again for similar reasons thereby perpetuating the circle and the hurt - what goes around, comes around. Remember: If you try to stick together, even if you have to do most of the “sticking together” efforts alone, your spouse will eventually see with you someday, and together you will reap the benefits of sticking together which include being healthier, wealthier, wiser and contribute more to your children, community and humanity in general.
Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D., MPH, is State
Specialist for Health/Family Development, Oklahoma Cooperative Extension
Service at OSU in