Divorce: When Romance Hits a Dead-End.
by Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D, MPH.

The following article was published in the Stillwater News Press on August 21, 2002.

Once the grip of “love” made you stand before a judge or religious leader and declared “I do; for better or for worse; in sickness or health, until death do us…” then one day, oops, after a million or just one fight or conflict, the promises you once made become meaningless. If you are married and have constant conflicts over money, time, kids, sex, in-laws; spouse who snores at night, or he/she is too fat or too thin; maybe you are tired of picking up socks or under-wears dropped on the floor, or tooth paste always left uncapped, and consider divorce as the magic cure for these conflicts, you might be wrong. What goes around tends to come around, since those who have been divorced once are more likely to divorce again, despite known consequences of divorce.
 

Several studies and reports from the US Centers for Disease Control indicate that those who are divorced have more physical and mental illnesses, and die earlier than those who remain married. As for children of divorced parents, behavioral as well as learning problems, school failures, school dropout, and an overall difficulty in social adjustment usually follow these children even into adult lives. Couples who stick together and work hard on making their marriages work, are healthier, wealthier, wiser, better adjusted, live longer and contribute more to society. Children of married couples generally enjoy better health, are more likely to be emotionally and socially adjusted, and more likely to succeed in school. Factors that contribute to divorce can be divided into three categories:

1. Individual factors or traits include: general impulsiveness and a tendency to hurriedly marry because of “love at first sight, or before someone else gets him/her”, low self esteem, depression, poor communication skills, neurotic behaviors, anger/hostility proneness, and dysfunctional beliefs about marriage, e.g. my spouse will be the same or better than my father, mother, former lover; or getting a divorce will be the solution to my marital problems.
2. Couple factors include: dissimilarity, short pre-marital acquaintance; premarital sexual experiences – especially having a lot of experiences with several partners, premarital pregnancy, cohabitation, poor communication skills.
3. Context or factors surrounding the marriage include: young age at marriage, family-of-origin, parental divorce or chronic marital conflict, parental or friends’ disapproval, pressure to marry, little education, cultural acceptance of divorce, ease of obtaining a divorce and lack of premarital education.

Preventing divorces: Premarital education is probably the most valuable “marriage gift” that marriage-veterans can give to those thinking about marriage or the newlyweds. Education should emphasize the following: (1) communication and conflict-resolution skills; (2) Marriage Realities: all marriages have periods of conflict; it is learning to handle the conflicts that make the difference between successful and unsuccessful marriages. (2) Respect for each other is important; love declines or grows depending on how it is nourished. Share feelings and dreams, as well as successes and frustration, and view love and marriage-success as a journey rather than a destination. If your love is declining because of unresolved conflict, hang in there and explore better ways of resolving the conflict or adapting to it. Respectfully discuss issues of marital concern with your spouse as soon as possible. If you must complain to your spouse, avoid attacks or criticism, describe what bothers you and suggest how you would like it done. Divorce is never a solution to unresolved conflicts. Remember: what goes around comes around; if you stick together, your family will be healthier, wiser and contribute more to community and humanity.

Are you having marital conflicts and thinking about divorce or looking at the “other side of the fence”? Note: Conflicts exist even in successful marriages. Successful marriages however involve commitment, communication and compromise. Divorce is never a “magic pill” to marital conflicts. It pays in the long-run to respectfully stick to your man or woman, and find better ways to talk things over.